Chapter Two: A Day in the Life of Ogre

  Sunlight was streaming through the opening in my shed. I grumbled, stood up, and turned so my face was in the shadow. I was tired. I tried to go back to sleep. Soon, however, I could hear the pickup that belongs to Smelly Boy pulling up. He came in, pitched in some hay, and dumped in a little bit of feed. I watched him. He checked my water bucket, and found it satisfactory.

  “Hi Ogre!” he called. I avoided him. He smelled awful! He is just too clean and soapy smelling, like what he does to me in the spring. Yuck! Who would want to smell like that?

  After I was convinced that Smelly Boy was gone, I hurried to the feed to finish it all before Joey woke up. He is stupider than a drunk fly. He hadn’t even noticed Smelly Boy had been here, and slept straight through it. He did hear me chewing though, and quickly ran up to get his portion before it was all gone. Too late! Oh well, you know what they say. You snooze, you lose!

  “Aww come on, Ogre! Couldn’t you have saved me even a little?” he whined. “I’m hungry!”

  “You’re fine,” I replied. “Go eat some hay, or I’ll eat all that too. Right now, I need to check the perimeter.  He smelled yucky and soapy, as usual, but I detected a slight Snickerdoodle aroma. He has cookies in that truck, and I’m gonna get them!” I was hoping a horse or cow from the neighboring ranch had taken a dislike to a board or two in my fence, and decided to obliterate it in the night. I trotted around my pen, an acre square, but was disappointed to discover all the horses and cows must like my fence.

  “Joey!” I hollered, “We need a plan! I want cookies, so I need to get out of here now!”

  “Well gee Ogre, I don’t know how to get out. If I did, I would leave and be a free goat with all the fresh wet grass I could eat…” He started dreamily staring out at the cow pasture.

  “And die of bloat!” I added mentally.

  I started trotting in tight circles, focusing intently on escaping the pen. Just then, it came to me! If I could get on top of the hay feeder, I could get on top of the shed, and jump over the fence! I quickly looked around; trying to find something I could move to help me get on the hay feeder. Sitting in the middle of my pen was my shiny red plastic water bucket. I knew if I could tip it over, I would be able to push it over to the feeder and stand on top of it to get up. I ran over and started forcefully butting the bucket. After about three minutes of this, my head started to hurt, but I knew what I had to do to get a cookie. Just before the five minute mark, I finally succeeded! I tipped it back upright, and started pushing it towards the hay feeder. I had it there very quickly. Unfortunately, I had failed to plan how to flip it upside down so I could stand on it. Maybe if I could get my horn in the lip of the top… hmm. I started to try, but couldn’t get it to stay. So, I returned to default and started butting it repeatedly.

  Ten minutes later, it was finally flipped again, but on the opposite side of the pen. I gently started pushing it back. When I finally got it next to the hay feeder again, it was midday. And hot. I bet you can’t guess who was thirsty now! Oh well. Once I got out, I could just sneak into the nannies’ pen for a drink. Their pen was easy to get into, because it shared some of the same fence as Smelly Boy’s nanny’s garden. I could push under it easily. I hopped onto the bucket, as Joey watched.

  “What are you doing?” he asked. “That doesn’t look very safe!”

  “Don’t worry!” I replied. “I’m a professional! Before I came here, I was in the circus and trained with the ringmaster every day so I could learn to scale the Saint Goatian Wall!”  He didn’t need to know that the Ringmaster was just a rancher-human-buck and the Saint Goatian Wall was only an 18 inch retaining wall I used to play on with my siblings when we were babies.  Details weren’t important.

  “Oh wow!” exclaimed Joey, clearly impressed, “I didn’t know that Ogre! I’m sorry! Maybe someday you could give me lessons too!”

  “Sorry, Joey, you just haven’t got the necessary skill set required. You need crazy good balance skills, and feathery, light movements to be able to scale walls!” Right as I said this, I slipped off of the top of the bucket and fell into the gumbo. I grumbled as I picked myself up, and Joey said,

  “Is that crazy good balance, Ogre? I can balance like that!”

  “You just hush up! That was because of the gumbo, through no fault of my own!” Hopefully he couldn’t see the hay under the bucket. He didn’t look convinced.

  “But Ogre! That bucket has--”

  “You just hush! Do you trust the master, or don’t ya?”

  “Ok Ogre, but I still think--”

  “Hush!” I climbed onto the bucket again, and this time I succeeded in landing on top of the hay feeder. “See, Joey! Didn’t I tell you? That is how a master does it!” I hopped about 4 feet onto the top of the barn with ease. I noticed how much closer the barn was to the fence on the ground as opposed to on the roof. The anticipated 5 foot jump grew to a large 10-12 foot leap.

  “Whatcha waiting for, Ogre?” inquired Joey, “Are you scared?”

  “Of course not!” I exclaimed, “I’m just… calibrating my body for the jump! That’s right, calibrating my body!” I didn’t really want to, but I coiled myself up, and leapt a huge jump of three feet. And fell about 8 feet. I ignored Joey’s questions asking why I was still in the pen, and if I was the master, how come I couldn’t jump far enough, because I knew he wouldn’t be able to understand how an earthquake and a sudden wind draft worked together to keep me in the pen. He probably didn’t even notice the earthquake! Of course, I didn’t feel it either because I was in the air, but I know it surely happened. How else would I still be in this pen?

  I decided to go and take a nap. I was still thirsty, but I knew I would get out of this pen somehow.

  When I woke up, I went to the gate and blubbered at it for a moment, but it didn’t seem to want to open. The shiny latch smiled in the sun, and I got an idea. That was how you got it open, wasn’t it? I decided to take the same approach I had taken to the bucket, and started butting it. It took about ten minutes of forceful butting, but I finally succeeded! I felt the metal finally bend, and then it was only about a minute longer before the latch broke. Good thing it finally gave up too, because I was starting to get a fearful headache. But all that mattered was that I was free! Joey was taking a nap, so I figured I better just leave him. He would only slow me down anyways. I decided to head over to the nannies pen first, because I was really thirsty. I trotted down the dusty dirt road, and followed my nose to the nannies. They were beginning to smell beautiful and feminine, but not quite so feminine I wanted anything to do with them yet. The early autumn sun would be setting soon, so Smelly Boy would be around again with his cookies. The nannies and their pen were now in sight, as was Smelly Boy’s nanny’s garden. I don’t know what the point of fencing in her garden was anyways. I quickly shoved under the fence. The nannies started talking to me.

  “Hi Ogre!” one said. “How nice of you to visit! We were just wondering when Master was going to bring you to us!”

  I harrumphed them. I was hungry and thirsty. I went to shove under their pen, but realized Smelly Boy had put old tires all along the inside of their pen so I couldn’t push under!

  “Well fine!” I thought, “I’ll show them!” I went and started eating tomato plants. I think I might have eaten some spinach too. But then I found the strawberry vines! I ate every single one right down to the roots. They were delicious! When I finished, I was thirstier than ever. I went up to the nannies’ gate, and realized it was just a simple click latch. All I had to do was push that little shiny stick there down. Sometimes I wondered if Smelly Boy wished he was as smart as me. Maybe then he could figure out how to put better locks on the gates. As soon as I was in, I gulped down most of a gallon of water.

  “Much better!” I thought. Then I saw her. She was the most beautiful nanny I have ever seen. I was immediately interested. She looked almost as beautiful as me, maybe even identical! Of course, although she had the gorgeous same red, luxurious coat of mine, she didn’t have the brown dapple throughout it as I did. I was clearly the more beautiful, yet I was so attracted to her.

  “Hey!” I called out. “Hey, who are you? I really want to talk to you!” She ran through the herd, and I called again, “Wait! You smell beautiful!” But just as soon as I saw her, she was gone. I searched for a while, but she was nowhere to be found, although her glorious aroma remained. Some of the other nannies were following me around, but I only had a nose for her. After a while I gave up and sulked around outside of the pen. I started wandering down the road. It was sunset, and I was feeling pretty miserable. Then I heard a familiar rumble coming down the road. I didn’t turn around, even though I was semi-excited because I knew Smelly Boy would give me a cookie. I could hear the nannies in the distance up the hill. They had lost interest in me when they found fresh browse. A few were nice enough to at least thank me for letting them out. Most of those selfish nannies just quickly lost interest instead.

  The breaks on Smelly Boy’s pickup screeched. He stepped out.

“Ogre!” He hollered. I ignored him. “Ogre!” he called again. I was now distracted from my sorrows by a cookie I smelled in his pocket. I teasingly stepped towards him, but jumped out of the way as he lunged toward me, sending him falling face first into the manure. “Yuck!” I thought. Although I loved the masculine smell of urine that any self-respecting buck in rut glows with, I could simply not stand the idea of getting manure on myself. However, even though it was manure, it at least took away the gross soap smell he had on him.

  “Ogre!” he shouted! He sounded rather annoyed. I was a little glad he hadn’t noticed the nannies up the hill. I might not get my cookie if he did. He lunged at me again, but I sidestepped out of the way. This time he landed flat on his behind and slid through the mucky manure about 4 feet. Yep, that soap stench was definitely gone. I felt proud for giving him this favor, although I never quite understood why he didn’t just smear the manure on by himself. After all, who could stand that disgusting soap? The cookie would come soon.

  “Ogre, do you want a cookie?” he sang out sweetly. I had him trained like a young doeling. I trotted over happily, and accepted the cookie. Snickerdoodle, just like I thought. He loaded me into the truck. I looked at him for a moment, and decided to give him another favor. I peed on his head and shoulders.

  “There,” I thought, “Now not only does he not smell like soap, but he actually smells good!” I again felt proud for the favor I had given him and grinned triumphantly.

  “Ogre! You nasty goat! Ack! Ack!” cried Smelly Boy.

  I was a little indignant at his lack of gratitude. No doubt he would just go dump more of that nasty soap all over his clothes and body. Selfish human. I could become a millionaire if I could teach humans to appreciate the masculine smell of a rutting billy goat!

  As he tied my gate shut with twine, I could hear him muttering something about locks and keys, and jumping fences.

  “Did you get your cookie?” asked Joey.

  “Of course the Master got his cookie.” I replied proudly, with just a tinge of smugness.