Chapter Two: A Day in the Life of Ogre

  Sunlight was streaming through the opening in my shed. I grumbled, stood up, and turned so my face was in the shadow. I was tired. I tried to go back to sleep. Soon, however, I could hear the pickup that belongs to Smelly Boy pulling up. He came in, pitched in some hay, and dumped in a little bit of feed. I watched him. He checked my water bucket, and found it satisfactory.

  “Hi Ogre!” he called. I avoided him. He smelled awful! He is just too clean and soapy smelling, like what he does to me in the spring. Yuck! Who would want to smell like that?

  After I was convinced that Smelly Boy was gone, I hurried to the feed to finish it all before Joey woke up. He is stupider than a drunk fly. He hadn’t even noticed Smelly Boy had been here, and slept straight through it. He did hear me chewing though, and quickly ran up to get his portion before it was all gone. Too late! Oh well, you know what they say. You snooze, you lose!

  “Aww come on, Ogre! Couldn’t you have saved me even a little?” he whined. “I’m hungry!”

  “You’re fine,” I replied. “Go eat some hay, or I’ll eat all that too. Right now, I need to check the perimeter.  He smelled yucky and soapy, as usual, but I detected a slight Snickerdoodle aroma. He has cookies in that truck, and I’m gonna get them!” I was hoping a horse or cow from the neighboring ranch had taken a dislike to a board or two in my fence, and decided to obliterate it in the night. I trotted around my pen, an acre square, but was disappointed to discover all the horses and cows must like my fence.

  “Joey!” I hollered, “We need a plan! I want cookies, so I need to get out of here now!”

  “Well gee Ogre, I don’t know how to get out. If I did, I would leave and be a free goat with all the fresh wet grass I could eat…” He started dreamily staring out at the cow pasture.

  “And die of bloat!” I added mentally.

  I started trotting in tight circles, focusing intently on escaping the pen. Just then, it came to me! If I could get on top of the hay feeder, I could get on top of the shed, and jump over the fence! I quickly looked around; trying to find something I could move to help me get on the hay feeder. Sitting in the middle of my pen was my shiny red plastic water bucket. I knew if I could tip it over, I would be able to push it over to the feeder and stand on top of it to get up. I ran over and started forcefully butting the bucket. After about three minutes of this, my head started to hurt, but I knew what I had to do to get a cookie. Just before the five minute mark, I finally succeeded! I tipped it back upright, and started pushing it towards the hay feeder. I had it there very quickly. Unfortunately, I had failed to plan how to flip it upside down so I could stand on it. Maybe if I could get my horn in the lip of the top… hmm. I started to try, but couldn’t get it to stay. So, I returned to default and started butting it repeatedly.

  Ten minutes later, it was finally flipped again, but on the opposite side of the pen. I gently started pushing it back. When I finally got it next to the hay feeder again, it was midday. And hot. I bet you can’t guess who was thirsty now! Oh well. Once I got out, I could just sneak into the nannies’ pen for a drink. Their pen was easy to get into, because it shared some of the same fence as Smelly Boy’s nanny’s garden. I could push under it easily. I hopped onto the bucket, as Joey watched.

  “What are you doing?” he asked. “That doesn’t look very safe!”

  “Don’t worry!” I replied. “I’m a professional! Before I came here, I was in the circus and trained with the ringmaster every day so I could learn to scale the Saint Goatian Wall!”  He didn’t need to know that the Ringmaster was just a rancher-human-buck and the Saint Goatian Wall was only an 18 inch retaining wall I used to play on with my siblings when we were babies.  Details weren’t important.

  “Oh wow!” exclaimed Joey, clearly impressed, “I didn’t know that Ogre! I’m sorry! Maybe someday you could give me lessons too!”

  “Sorry, Joey, you just haven’t got the necessary skill set required. You need crazy good balance skills, and feathery, light movements to be able to scale walls!” Right as I said this, I slipped off of the top of the bucket and fell into the gumbo. I grumbled as I picked myself up, and Joey said,

  “Is that crazy good balance, Ogre? I can balance like that!”

  “You just hush up! That was because of the gumbo, through no fault of my own!” Hopefully he couldn’t see the hay under the bucket. He didn’t look convinced.

  “But Ogre! That bucket has--”

  “You just hush! Do you trust the master, or don’t ya?”

  “Ok Ogre, but I still think--”

  “Hush!” I climbed onto the bucket again, and this time I succeeded in landing on top of the hay feeder. “See, Joey! Didn’t I tell you? That is how a master does it!” I hopped about 4 feet onto the top of the barn with ease. I noticed how much closer the barn was to the fence on the ground as opposed to on the roof. The anticipated 5 foot jump grew to a large 10-12 foot leap.

  “Whatcha waiting for, Ogre?” inquired Joey, “Are you scared?”

  “Of course not!” I exclaimed, “I’m just… calibrating my body for the jump! That’s right, calibrating my body!” I didn’t really want to, but I coiled myself up, and leapt a huge jump of three feet. And fell about 8 feet. I ignored Joey’s questions asking why I was still in the pen, and if I was the master, how come I couldn’t jump far enough, because I knew he wouldn’t be able to understand how an earthquake and a sudden wind draft worked together to keep me in the pen. He probably didn’t even notice the earthquake! Of course, I didn’t feel it either because I was in the air, but I know it surely happened. How else would I still be in this pen?

  I decided to go and take a nap. I was still thirsty, but I knew I would get out of this pen somehow.

  When I woke up, I went to the gate and blubbered at it for a moment, but it didn’t seem to want to open. The shiny latch smiled in the sun, and I got an idea. That was how you got it open, wasn’t it? I decided to take the same approach I had taken to the bucket, and started butting it. It took about ten minutes of forceful butting, but I finally succeeded! I felt the metal finally bend, and then it was only about a minute longer before the latch broke. Good thing it finally gave up too, because I was starting to get a fearful headache. But all that mattered was that I was free! Joey was taking a nap, so I figured I better just leave him. He would only slow me down anyways. I decided to head over to the nannies pen first, because I was really thirsty. I trotted down the dusty dirt road, and followed my nose to the nannies. They were beginning to smell beautiful and feminine, but not quite so feminine I wanted anything to do with them yet. The early autumn sun would be setting soon, so Smelly Boy would be around again with his cookies. The nannies and their pen were now in sight, as was Smelly Boy’s nanny’s garden. I don’t know what the point of fencing in her garden was anyways. I quickly shoved under the fence. The nannies started talking to me.

  “Hi Ogre!” one said. “How nice of you to visit! We were just wondering when Master was going to bring you to us!”

  I harrumphed them. I was hungry and thirsty. I went to shove under their pen, but realized Smelly Boy had put old tires all along the inside of their pen so I couldn’t push under!

  “Well fine!” I thought, “I’ll show them!” I went and started eating tomato plants. I think I might have eaten some spinach too. But then I found the strawberry vines! I ate every single one right down to the roots. They were delicious! When I finished, I was thirstier than ever. I went up to the nannies’ gate, and realized it was just a simple click latch. All I had to do was push that little shiny stick there down. Sometimes I wondered if Smelly Boy wished he was as smart as me. Maybe then he could figure out how to put better locks on the gates. As soon as I was in, I gulped down most of a gallon of water.

  “Much better!” I thought. Then I saw her. She was the most beautiful nanny I have ever seen. I was immediately interested. She looked almost as beautiful as me, maybe even identical! Of course, although she had the gorgeous same red, luxurious coat of mine, she didn’t have the brown dapple throughout it as I did. I was clearly the more beautiful, yet I was so attracted to her.

  “Hey!” I called out. “Hey, who are you? I really want to talk to you!” She ran through the herd, and I called again, “Wait! You smell beautiful!” But just as soon as I saw her, she was gone. I searched for a while, but she was nowhere to be found, although her glorious aroma remained. Some of the other nannies were following me around, but I only had a nose for her. After a while I gave up and sulked around outside of the pen. I started wandering down the road. It was sunset, and I was feeling pretty miserable. Then I heard a familiar rumble coming down the road. I didn’t turn around, even though I was semi-excited because I knew Smelly Boy would give me a cookie. I could hear the nannies in the distance up the hill. They had lost interest in me when they found fresh browse. A few were nice enough to at least thank me for letting them out. Most of those selfish nannies just quickly lost interest instead.

  The breaks on Smelly Boy’s pickup screeched. He stepped out.

“Ogre!” He hollered. I ignored him. “Ogre!” he called again. I was now distracted from my sorrows by a cookie I smelled in his pocket. I teasingly stepped towards him, but jumped out of the way as he lunged toward me, sending him falling face first into the manure. “Yuck!” I thought. Although I loved the masculine smell of urine that any self-respecting buck in rut glows with, I could simply not stand the idea of getting manure on myself. However, even though it was manure, it at least took away the gross soap smell he had on him.

  “Ogre!” he shouted! He sounded rather annoyed. I was a little glad he hadn’t noticed the nannies up the hill. I might not get my cookie if he did. He lunged at me again, but I sidestepped out of the way. This time he landed flat on his behind and slid through the mucky manure about 4 feet. Yep, that soap stench was definitely gone. I felt proud for giving him this favor, although I never quite understood why he didn’t just smear the manure on by himself. After all, who could stand that disgusting soap? The cookie would come soon.

  “Ogre, do you want a cookie?” he sang out sweetly. I had him trained like a young doeling. I trotted over happily, and accepted the cookie. Snickerdoodle, just like I thought. He loaded me into the truck. I looked at him for a moment, and decided to give him another favor. I peed on his head and shoulders.

  “There,” I thought, “Now not only does he not smell like soap, but he actually smells good!” I again felt proud for the favor I had given him and grinned triumphantly.

  “Ogre! You nasty goat! Ack! Ack!” cried Smelly Boy.

  I was a little indignant at his lack of gratitude. No doubt he would just go dump more of that nasty soap all over his clothes and body. Selfish human. I could become a millionaire if I could teach humans to appreciate the masculine smell of a rutting billy goat!

  As he tied my gate shut with twine, I could hear him muttering something about locks and keys, and jumping fences.

  “Did you get your cookie?” asked Joey.

  “Of course the Master got his cookie.” I replied proudly, with just a tinge of smugness.

Chapter One

The sun drifted below the horizon, sending glorious rays of pinks, reds and oranges over the hills and my small goat ranch, highlighting the clouds and giving the tall grass an orange tinge. It was another beautiful sunset in Wyoming. I sighed contentedly as I drove my 1992 Ford pickup down the dusty dirt road, the final rays of the sun gleaming across the slightly rusty hood. I thought of the amazing wonders of God’s Creation, and how wise He must be to create such beauty. My German Shepherd, Bruiser, was snoring contentedly next to me on the bench seat.

  “Wait,” I thought! “What is that in the road?” Some sort of animal, but not a deer. I slammed on my brakes and groaned. Bruiser slid off the seat and started making a peculiar grumbling noise that he makes. It can only be described as someone gargling with marbles and lemon juice, while sneezing. I ignored him, and looked to see what it was.  It was that pesky billy goat again! I’m pretty sure that thing is alive, and by that I don’t mean just living, I mean alive with a human-like grasp on reality. I think he has a secret lab in his shed that he uses to devise escape methods from his pen. As a matter of fact, I’m certain of it. And although I’ve never verified this part, I’m also pretty much certain he has hidden surveillance cameras that warn him about when I am coming, so he can vacate and cover the entrance to his lab.  I stopped the pickup, and dug around in my lunch pail for the cookie I had saved in case of just such an event (he has a history of doing this).  Bruiser looked hopeful as I opened my lunch pail.

  “Too bad, pup” I muttered.  I stepped out of the pickup, but left him in the truck. He did not get along with the goats. “Your mean old boy won’t let you chase him tonight,” I told him. He sighed and laid down.

  “Ogre!” I hollered. He ignored me. “Ogre!” I called again.  He teasingly stepped toward me. I lunged at him. He quickly sidestepped, and I slipped in the mud from last night’s rain, falling flat on my face. Well, it did rain last night; therefore it must be mud, right? Right. Mud! Not that other thing that goats make. No definitely not.

  “Ogre!” I shouted, slightly annoyed. He stepped toward me again, and again I tried to grab him. This time I fell flat on my behind, into the… mud. It was all over my hands too. Where was my rope when I needed it?

  “Yuck!” I thought. Stupid goat. I decided to change tactics. In a much sweeter voice, I called out,

  “Ogre, do you want a cookie?” At the mention of a cookie, he happily trotted over to me, and I loaded him into the pickup bed. He had stayed remarkably clean. As I closed up the back of the pickup, he stood up on the end and grinned triumphantly. Then he peed on me.

  “Great,” I thought. “Now not only am I muddy, but I stink like a rutting billy goat.” I could become a millionaire if I could figure out how to stop a rutting billy goat from peeing on everything.

  I grabbed an old feed sack from the pickup bed, and set it on my seat, to hopefully protect it. Ogre glared smugly at me. When I got in, Bruiser started grumbling again. Apparently he didn’t like me to smell like a billy goat any more than I do. I pulled a U turn, and headed back out towards his pen.

  I think the cookies are all part of his plan. His lab must have signs and posters with cookies all over them. Cookies and COB (corn, oats, and barley blend), actually. Those are his favorites. Sometimes he will come if I have strawberries, but cookies and COB are an absolute way to catch him. That must be the main point of his diabolical plan, complete with surveillance cams, high tech room monitors, eye retina scanners (to keep the nannies and Joey, the wether, out) and a super computer with cameras in my kitchen. The cameras are in the kitchen so when Mom or one of my sisters make my lunch, he knows if there are cookies or strawberries in it. He only ever escapes if I have cookies or strawberries in my lunch. That thing is way smarter than any goat ever ought to be.

  As I slowed to a stop by the gate of his pen, I could hear Joey, his companion, calling for his friend. That poor goat, unlike Ogre, is dumber than a box of rocks. You could leave the gate open, and he wouldn’t even notice, and would carry on loudly, alone and grumpy. He has done it more times than I can count. As I walked up to the gate, I realized again that this was the case. I lead Ogre back in, and went to lock up the gate, but quickly realized he had somehow chewed-on-and-broke-and-totally-busted the steel clasp. I have also determined this goat has a monkey in his mouth, where any normal goat would have a tongue. This monkey can unlock and destroy any lock. Have you ever seen in the movies the doors with right around 30 locks all strewn up and down the length of the door? You have no idea how seriously I considered hooking up his gate like that. Unfortunately, although it would probably (maybe?) keep him in, it would doubtlessly lock me out. I would probably lose some or all of the keys. But hey, I could always hop the fence, right? It might work better. I smiled as I contemplated these things, while securely tying the gate shut with twine until morning. It was dark now, and very hard to see, but I had my headlights turned so I could see better. There was just no way I could fix this until morning, though. I would have to go down to the hardware store and buy a new latch… again. I cut the extra twine off with my pocket knife, and returned to my pickup. I pulled another U turn, and headed home.
 
  This time, the 5 minute drive was much less eventful. I pulled up and parked. I could see my mother through the window of the two story farm house doing something in the kitchen. Her shadow danced across the yard, and the light streamed out the window around it. I walked up the driveway, and realizing my boots were muddy from last night’s rain, decided it would be best to go through the back door on the kitchen. When I walked in, my mother kept her back to me, but said,

  “Xander, that you?”

  “No, this is Mr. Ogre the Billy Goat. How are you?” I replied. She laughed, and turned to look at me, but her face turned to horror at the sight of me. I realized I was probably pretty grimy looking.

  “Oh sweet mercy! Alexander Edward Raymond! You get your kiester up those stairs and in the shower this instant! I am just gonna pretend that you did NOT just walk in my kitchen with goat manure on your face and clothes. Get those boots in the back room, and get outta my kitchen!” She stepped closer, and paled further. “Pee Eeww! You stink like that billy goat again! Shoo! Shoo!” She grabbed an old newspaper off of her marble counter top and started swatting me with it in an effort to get me to move quicker. “Eck! Boy, out of my kitchen! You’re twenty, you know better than to come into my kitchen like that!” I laughed, but did as she wished, and disappeared up the stairs.  As I walked up, I could hear her half laughing, half grumbling about my smell and state of cleanliness with my two younger sisters, Hadassah and Alisa. They are still in high school. Alisa was the elder of the two, and is a senior. Hadassah is the baby of the family, and a sophomore. They are both homeschooled, like I was.

   “I’m back, Dad!” I hollered down the hall toward his den. He mumbled something in reply, but I couldn’t hear what it was. I headed down the hall towards the bathroom, making a quick stop in my room to grab my pajamas.

  Twenty minutes later, after towel drying my brown hair, I emerged from the bathroom, smelling more like a human than a goat. I went down to the kitchen, and explained why I was late. By time I was finished recapping the night’s events, my mother and sisters were practically rolling on the floor laughing! They found that goat to be the most amusing thing in the world. Although I would never admit it to anyone, I happen to be slightly fond of the ornery thing too. Although he did really need to stop peeing on me. Nasty critter.

  That night as I was sleeping, I had some very odd dreams about a billy goat that could run a computer and speak like a human. He was downloading internet files about cookies and COB. Then he started downloading something huge, and a vault appeared from nowhere, which was full of cookies and COB. He devoured them all, and then found me, which set alarms to start going off, as I ran out of his lab. On the way out, I slipped in the manure and he caught up and peed all over me. He looked suspiciously like a goat that was very familiar to me. But this goat’s name was Troll.